Freezing My Ice Off

Greetings...........

   I must make comment on the recent spate of snow and ice.  It is cold.  It causes my love oysters to tuck into my loins like Koala pups into their mom.  A recent ride caused me to wonder if the boys had gone into permanent hibernation.  I magine the shock of the Indian (dot) clerk when I walked into 7-11 like I had been trike ridin' with no seat.  There I was in the Pork Rind and Jerkey aisle with my hand dug down the front of my shorts swearing and acting all Cialis ad with myself.  He come up on me and in the Calcutta musictone voice that all thems have he says "Excuse is me, can I help you?".  I told them that little ricky had done lost 1/2 his squirrel pack (squirrel pack = wiener cold for an acorn and two nuts) and I was playing go fish with the nut portion of the squirrel pack.  He offfered to call the police and I told him that unless they had some heated socks, they probably could not be of service.  Well Juma done called the po po.  By then I had removed my shorts and had rubbed some butter packs on the shammy and placed it in the microwave.  I had taped together a host of napkins with masking tape (what else) and was wearing it like a frontal grass skirt.  I did not have enough tape or the dexterity to cover my loading dock so I was standingup against the microwaver platform with my cheeks pressed firmly against the counter.  Little did I know because my nether regfions was all froze up, that while the cheeks was pressed up against the counter they had on loaded a few hot dogs and polish sausage in to the butt canyon region.  How was I 'sposed to know?  I even picked up a few swabs of mustard and relish so it kinds looked like I was assembling abut crack meal.  Well this scene proved to be too much for Juma.  When the po po arrived he muttered some stuff in his native tongue which I now understand to be insults against my manhood.  The microwave machine of of course was heatin' my chammy and the butter was starting to melt.   I then saw sparks as the po po approached....not from the po po but from the microwave.  It was then at that bitter and utter moment of confusedness that I remeber that I had some pocket change tucked into the shorts flap.  The door came blowing off the damn microwave machine and I assumed the natural crash position which reveal my hind parts.  As I bent over my butt cavern openned and the dogs, sausage and condements dripped from my crack leaving me howling in pain as the mustard burned my port hole.  The cops of course thought they was being attacked and the power died in the 7-11, so they drew their weapons and started flashing my naked girth which caused other customers to scream.  I of course was howling mad as the mustard and relish began to back leach into my port hole.  I turned as quick as I could and fell on my ass.  This of course caused my squirrel pack to decend to its normal place in my nut satchel.  I of course realized this and in my relief, I started grabbing and massaging them with glee upon their return home.  I then learned a dire lesson which is that cajoling your nutsac in public, after expoloding a microwave and having pork productes drip from your ass is an easily misinterpretted activity.  Imagine when I had to call Margine to post bail.  Believe it or not I have not had the nuts to return and retrieve my shorts.  Hopefully no one mistook the buttery shammy for nachos.  Oh well I hope for warnmer weather....

Merry Day after July Christmas....

If Christmas were in July today would be the day after .... just saying.  What a weird week it has been.  I have ridden around my usual route this week and despite my loss of weight, I seem to be going slower.  I cannot fathom why?  It may be that I am weighed down by how stupid the world is becoming and that I sometimes ponder taking a hard left on my trike and cause some plastic boobed mega mommie to shit her thong.  Reminds me of one of the funniest scenes in recent cinemaphotography  the "shit scene" from Hall Pass.  For ease of use and clarity to you shitbaggers, I will even post a link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jT6ArJJNqPE

1) We had the birth of the royal baby.  It is in italics because when you shit zippers say it you have to say it like you are high on helium and are English (as opposed to Mexican which I shall discuss later).  Who the fuck cares about the royal baby?  Other than the fact that I'd like to watch him nurse, I have no ineterest in the royal baby, unless he is bathing with his mother.  As far as I am concerned the royal baby has just had the best time of his life as he crowned and was then forced out of his mother's va JJ.  I would be crying if I were him as well.  "Let me go back!" Goddamnit.  "Keep that balding nit wit away from that holy place".  Some crack head from London who did the Nanny show actually had the balls to get on about how the royals would have to learn to adjust their lives for the royal baby .  I say bollocks to that as we know that they will have some large busted engorged Nigerian woman as his wet nurse and he will grow up liking his coffee black (if you get my drift).  So fuck off George Phillip Louis!

2) Weinergate.  All I can say is Ashley Leathers?  Ms. Leathers, meat my Mexican friend Mr. Carlos Danger.  Really, that is your name?  And how much was Rush Limbaugh paying you.  The reason Anthony Weiner cannot never hold public office is that the Russians would hire some large chested Svetlana to ticker his tock and then he'd give up the City of New York's nuclear secrets for a nipple shot.  I did hear that Weiner was going to run for President and Eric Holder was his VP.  Imagine the bumper stickers:  Weiner Holder. 

3) Trayvon Zimmerman:  Would those stupid fucking jurors please shut the fuck up.  "He was guilty of murder but the law did not let us convict him".  Please God, do not let me ever be tried before a jury of anyone.  Are these people real people?  Did they graduate from elementary school?  I also read that the Martins received over one million dollars in a wrongful death settlement brought by fat man Crump (their lawyer).  What a bunch of assholes.  They were shit for parents.  There son was a Jr. thug and they did nothing about it and now ugly ass Sybrinna Fulton is giving speeches in MLK cadence (repeating common themes in groups of 3, Bill Clinton was a true master at this as well).

4) Cleveland Kidnapper and Mayor of San Diego:  They are really the same person.  Both minds addled by porn.  Porn is a very diabolical vice.  If your IQ does not extend into the 90's you are likely to think that you can get away with imprisoning women (IN YOUR OWN HOUSE) and grabbing their asses at work when YOU ARE THE MAYOR.  Do I really need to say anything more about these 2? 

So that is the week in review.......hard left into the minivan.......

Mexican Names Part Dos

My comment about white men being afraid of Mexicans has been taken out of context.  What I meant to say is that white american men are afraid of Mexican men, hence our desire to build fences and send nuts in Jeeps out with guns to shoot those long donged latinoes.  We let all the Brits in that ever want to come here because we do not fear the Brits.  Brits are either dirty unwashed drunks or rampant boarding school child molester homosexuals who walk around with the word "BUGGER" in the front of their brain.  Sure we let those guys in and the swedes are fine as well...but no Mexicans.

After my last post I looked up pictures of Weiner and his wife.  He looks like some sort of rodent or a Star Trek character and she looks like she made the biggest mistake of her life.  How could a woman of such seeming beauty and intellect go to bed (and do the dirty) with some rat like skanky little Jewish guy.  I only mention the Jewish because he has that look like his sac probably smell of gefelte fish........I will close on that note and pray that Huma gets no more Weiner on her bagel.

Mexican Names

So, the fat man has returned.  All you pussies better strap one on and shield yourself from penetration..  Penetration is the very topic that I'd like to discuss today.  My query is:  why do people out there use Mexican names when they are doing something dirty or smutty.  Best examples are Mike Vick who actually borrowed the entire name of the country Mexico and used it as a sex name when he was picking up fat butted girls and doing them doggy.  He called himself "Ron Mexico".  Now in today's news we read that Anthony Weiner (who already has a Jewish sex name for whatever good that'll do ya) chose the name "Carlos Danger" when he was out trolling the interwebs for girls to wank with.  What is it about being Mexican that makes men hard?  Or is it some imaginary lust festival that mens think that womens are letting the Mexican gardener do them in the butt --so, ergo, when they want to do womens in the butt they say"Go Mexican".  As far as I know Mike Vick has deported Ron Mexico (however if you look online and find pictures of Mrs. Vick, you have to wonder about a dirty weiner in her butt).  But Anthony Weiner...what is his problem.  I suspect that growing up even other Jews made fun of his name and the heathens were undoubtedly merciless.  So he probably has a whopping big insecurity complex that could certainly not be solved by marrying a Pakistani woman regardless of how hot she might be.  Everyone knows that Pakistani women put up with unshowered gross curry goat smelling motherfuckers all their lives.  The Internet is outside the confines of most Pakistani women's consciousness--so Huma Abdeen is probably oblivious to all of this especially when she talks to her home tent back in Pakistan.  Have you ever though that maybe white men are scared of Mexican men because of their sexual prowess?  Having watch the whole George Zimmerman fiasco, it was clear that that fat motherfucker had no sexual prowess: hence the papers referred to him as a white hispanic.  Whoever heard of such a thing?  Then again, his entire defense was the "pussy defense".  This little cherub of a black boy was beating the crap out of me so I had to shoot him through the heart or he would have killed me.  I am a white hispanic, ie...a complete pussy.  Never will there be a politician who uses either George or Zimmerman as part of their online spank festival.  NO instead it will be Juan Pablo or Joaquin Gonzalez or Jaimie Mexico or even Pailo PuertoRico......

later pussies........

Does Death Become Us All ?

This past week brought about some disturbing revelations and reminds me that we are all mortal. Some fears were assuaged and some new ones crept up along with some lingering questions.

The riding has been going well for the trike man. I run through more tubes than an urologist giving free vasectomies in West Virginia. I keep patching them but then I hit some glass or someone will bean my melon with a full beer and the glass and brew will filtch down my shorts til it runs out my leg hole. I don't want to die of fatness nor diabetes. So I will keep riding. I used to have bad dreams about becoming Michael Jackson's love sponge and having him weedle his scarred, bleached gherkin into my port hole. Of course I had been immobilzed with chocolate and some large latex ball grabbers. When I screamed, his monkey pal Bubbles would come along and wack me with his monkey wiener which emitted an odd smeliing gooey liquid. When I'd awake after these dreams I would have to down a dozen or so doughnuts to get the monkey jizz taste out of my mouth....alas, MJ and Bubbles have both gone to wierdo heaven (where undoubtedly Liberace and Bozo the Clown are waiting to ass rape him and the monkey). So, I am now safe.

I learned also the top 5 ways I do not want to die. Listed in order of least preferable:

1. anal cancer
2. anal cancer
3. anal cancer
4. anal cancer
5. anal cancer

The high mark of my high school spanktometer, Farrah Fawcett, bit the dust. Too bad for her. Her disease was so horrifically vile that even the news media hated typing the words. Every article had the name of the disease once and only once. After that it became her condition or her disease.....for fucks sake!!!!! ANAL CANCER???? What does that mean, at the end tour ass looks like a Gibbon's swollen and protruding like you just got fucked by the Charles Manson of the Banana Tribe? No wonder Ryan O'Neal looked so bloated and putrid. He apparently got fucked by the same bloke. What causes anal cancer? Did Lee Majors ride the Hershey Highway at Mach 1? Absent industrial bearings, getting ass-fucked by the Six Million Dollar Man could cancerificate anyone (exclusive of Elton John whose ass hole is so stretched out that he can park vehicles in his lower colon).

Lastly Billy Mays died. Word has his wife paying for his funeral in three easy installments of $19.99.

Off to Trike...later pussies

Today the Fatman weighs 309............

Need for Speed.... Aero?

As I have been triking along, I have thought about how to get faster. Obviously loose weight and gain muscle. But that prospect bores me. Does anyone know of a crazy non objective medical condition for which you can get a legal EPO prescription. Like night sweats or sudden male boner syndrome? Or one that I have going on that I think EPO does wonders for is excessive growth of the patch. I obtained a camera shot of the real estate between my frank and beans and the outhouse and man is there a patch of hair. Its like riding on a horse hair saddle or something. Problem is it makes my sac sweat like all get out and it also looks as though I am sporting an adult diaper; either that or my ass enveloped a beaver and it trying to get out. My arms are not long enough to wack my weeds so I was thinking of going in for a brazilian waxing. I have a friend who is a dog groomer. Should I get him to knock down the forest before we undercut? Any advise from Albanians would be appreciated.. I hear tell Albanians are pubically inclined. I am following a blog called www.mangosalon.blogspot.com I figure that mango refers to the male testes. I would probably only trust an outfit that specializes in waxing or shaving male testes before I let 'em wack my boys.

Today the fat man weighs 310....

Later pussies.

Come Monday.....It'll be alright

My favorite song by Jimmy Puff-it.

Fat attack on the rampage....

So I spent the weekend ridin' my trike, hydrating like a house on fire and eating queer things like arugula and puffed rice cakes. Rest assured I was not the ugliest thing on less than 4 wheels.

I saw numerous riders who had ridden straight out of Haight-Ashbury with their ancient Bell helmets and gyps and doodles all over their bikes. At least those fellas were personable. I found the worst is the pseudo punk girls with there various piercings, wierdo hair color and them skinny ass jeans only intended for skinny ass women. Invariably these ass hags have way to much skanky looking pale skinned cleavage (the butt variety) showing. They also seem to ride exclusively on underinflated tires on a rig that is set up for style points only.

The best are the dork walkers....men or women out walking like they have to hurry up and take a huge shit. Walking with both cheeks pressed firmly together just swinging them arms. The best part of these women is what I affectionately term the Ass Flag. In the hopes of hiding the generous copious amount of back porch hangin off the poop stoop, these men and women always....always have some sort of sweater or sweatshirt tied firmly around their waste with the torso portion curtain walling the monstrous ass that lives beneath. Its a flag ladies and gents...Might as well have a sign on your back with huge flashing lights that says "Beware: Giant Sized Super Duper Huge Ever Lovin' Pooper" or in traffic parlance "Wide Load".

The weekend rides were a success in that I was able to LSU the retard hat, did not defecate in any inappropriate place (I consider my own shorts to be an inappropriate place).

The wife for all her virtue is ridin the Fat Man hard....no this no that. She found my bag of pork cracklin's hidden in the commode tank. It was the only place i could think of where I could get some privacy. I'd just add an extra dump to the normally scheduled ones. When the commode kept runnin' she popped the back and found the goods.....

My next stop is to buy an Ipod. To keep it interesting, I am going to collect as much stripper music as possible. So, if at least I croak on the trike it will have been with a smile.....

Today the fat man weighs 314,,,,,,,

later pussies.